THE MCNASTY WEEKLY
Week 5 Recap
2026 · The week reconstructed from kickoff windows, starter scoring, rivalry history and the exact moment somebody's optimism went to shit.
EDITOR'S DESKWeek 5: the bullshit is officially underway.
Kian posted the week's biggest winning score at 173.96. The closest game was Kian over Tyler by 3.66. Below is the autopsy, in order.
MATCHUP 1
Kian survives a Week 1 knife fight with Tyler
Kian 173.96FINAL170.30 Tyler
🎬 The story
Kian finished Week 1 with a 173.96–170.30 win, a sweaty little bastard of a matchup. Drake Maye dropped 51.5 as Kian's biggest weapon. Tyler got 39.2 from Jahmyr Gibbs, but the rest of the roster couldn't finish the damn job. Jahmyr Gibbs's 39.2 points swung the running starter total toward Tyler (159.8–170.3).
⏱️ How the shit unfolded
Thursday openerBrandon Aubrey's 5.1 points swung the running starter total toward Tyler (0.0–5.1).
Sunday early windowBhayshul Tuten's 10.6 points swung the running starter total toward Kian (10.6–5.1).
Sunday late windowJahmyr Gibbs's 39.2 points swung the running starter total toward Tyler (159.8–170.3).
Turning point: Jahmyr Gibbs's 39.2 points swung the running starter total toward Tyler (159.8–170.3).
🤯 What the hell was that?
Drake Maye was the matchup nuke at 51.5, while Isaac TeSlaa answered with a miserable 0.0. Fantasy football: where months of research can be kicked in the dick in one afternoon.
📚 Rivalry receipts
Coming in, the series stood 7–10 across 17 meetings. Tyler won the previous meeting. Week 5 just added another receipt to the folder.
💥 Damage report
KianDrake Maye 51.5
Jaylen Warren 41.8
Isaiah Likely 26.9
TylerJahmyr Gibbs 39.2
Aaron Rodgers 30.0
Mike Evans 26.8
🔥 THE SHIT TALK
Tyler is 0–1. It's only Week 1, which is comforting in the same way being told the iceberg only made a small hole was comforting on the Titanic.
MATCHUP 2
Sam turns Henry's opener into a crime scene behind Puka Nacua
Sam 142.26FINAL101.74 Henry
🎬 The story
Sam finished Week 1 with a 142.26–101.74 win. Puka Nacua dropped 33.2 as Sam's biggest weapon. Henry got 34.5 from Bucky Irving, but the rest of the roster couldn't finish the damn job. Derrick Henry's 24.5 points swung the running starter total toward Sam (98.9–97.1).
⏱️ How the shit unfolded
Thursday openerGeorge Pickens's 27.5 points swung the running starter total toward Sam (27.5–0.0).
Thursday openerBucky Irving's 34.5 points swung the running starter total toward Henry (27.5–41.6).
Sunday early windowOllie Gordon's 14.8 points swung the running starter total toward Sam (47.9–41.6).
Sunday early windowJaylin Noel's 12.7 points swung the running starter total toward Henry (49.8–59.8).
Sunday late windowBrock Purdy's 20.2 points swung the running starter total toward Sam (74.4–70.5).
Sunday late windowKendrick Bourne's 9.5 points swung the running starter total toward Henry (74.4–80.0).
Turning point: Derrick Henry's 24.5 points swung the running starter total toward Sam (98.9–97.1).
🤯 What the hell was that?
Bucky Irving was the matchup nuke at 34.5, while Tyler Shough answered with a miserable -0.2. Fantasy football: where months of research can be kicked in the dick in one afternoon.
📚 Rivalry receipts
Coming in, the series stood 8–11 across 19 meetings. Sam won the previous meeting. Week 5 just added another receipt to the folder.
💥 Damage report
SamPuka Nacua 33.2
George Pickens 27.5
Derrick Henry 24.5
HenryBucky Irving 34.5
Trey McBride 17.1
Jaylin Noel 12.7
🔥 THE SHIT TALK
Henry is 0–1. It's only Week 1, which is comforting in the same way being told the iceberg only made a small hole was comforting on the Titanic.
MATCHUP 3
Kris turns Andy's opener into a crime scene behind Jason Myers
Kris 135.82FINAL109.70 Andy
🎬 The story
Kris finished Week 1 with a 135.82–109.70 win. Jason Myers dropped 25.0 as Kris's biggest weapon. Andy got 26.3 from James Cook, but the rest of the roster couldn't finish the damn job. There wasn't a clean Hollywood lead flip; Kris simply accumulated enough damage across the week to finish the job.
⏱️ How the shit unfolded
Sunday early windowJakobi Meyers's 4.7 points swung the running starter total toward Kris (4.7–0.0).
Sunday late windowJason Myers led this window with 25.0 for Kris.
Monday nightJames Cook led this window with 26.3 for Andy.
Turning point: There wasn't a clean Hollywood lead flip; Kris simply accumulated enough damage across the week to finish the job.
🤯 What the hell was that?
James Cook was the matchup nuke at 26.3, while Kenyon Sadiq answered with a miserable -0.7. Fantasy football: where months of research can be kicked in the dick in one afternoon.
📚 Rivalry receipts
Coming in, the series stood 2–4 across 6 meetings. Kris won the previous meeting. Week 5 just added another receipt to the folder.
💥 Damage report
KrisJason Myers 25.0
Brock Bowers 23.0
Ja'Marr Chase 18.7
AndyJames Cook 26.3
Garrett Wilson 23.9
Tyler Warren 17.9
🔥 THE SHIT TALK
Andy is 0–1. It's only Week 1, which is comforting in the same way being told the iceberg only made a small hole was comforting on the Titanic.
MATCHUP 4
Sawm gives Butters a Week 1 reality check
Sawm 134.60FINAL115.14 Butters
🎬 The story
Sawm finished Week 1 with a 134.60–115.14 win. Christian Watson dropped 37.3 as Sawm's biggest weapon. Butters got 22.3 from Spencer Shrader, but the rest of the roster couldn't finish the damn job. Ka'imi Fairbairn's 18.3 points swung the running starter total toward Sawm (28.2–26.4).
⏱️ How the shit unfolded
Thursday openerCeeDee Lamb's 1.9 points swung the running starter total toward Sawm (1.9–0.0).
Thursday openerDak Prescott's 18.6 points swung the running starter total toward Butters (1.9–18.6).
Sunday early windowKa'imi Fairbairn's 18.3 points swung the running starter total toward Sawm (28.2–26.4).
Sunday late windowSam LaPorta led this window with 17.3 for Sawm.
Monday nightJosh Allen led this window with 36.5 for Sawm.
Turning point: Ka'imi Fairbairn's 18.3 points swung the running starter total toward Sawm (28.2–26.4).
🤯 What the hell was that?
Christian Watson was the matchup nuke at 37.3, while David Montgomery answered with a miserable 1.1. Fantasy football: where months of research can be kicked in the dick in one afternoon.
📚 Rivalry receipts
Coming in, the series stood 8–5 across 13 meetings. Butters won the previous meeting. Week 5 just added another receipt to the folder.
💥 Damage report
SawmChristian Watson 37.3
Josh Allen 36.5
Ka'imi Fairbairn 18.3
ButtersSpencer Shrader 22.3
Davante Adams 19.6
Dak Prescott 18.6
🔥 THE SHIT TALK
Butters is 0–1. It's only Week 1, which is comforting in the same way being told the iceberg only made a small hole was comforting on the Titanic.
MATCHUP 5
Justin survives a Week 1 knife fight with Kristian
Justin 130.78FINAL125.54 Kristian
🎬 The story
Justin finished Week 1 with a 130.78–125.54 win, a sweaty little bastard of a matchup. Jacoby Brissett dropped 30.8 as Justin's biggest weapon. Kristian got 34.9 from Jared Goff, but the rest of the roster couldn't finish the damn job. Nico Collins's 8.1 points swung the running starter total toward Justin (11.7–6.8).
⏱️ How the shit unfolded
Sunday early windowDallas Goedert's 6.8 points swung the running starter total toward Kristian (0.0–6.8).
Sunday early windowNico Collins's 8.1 points swung the running starter total toward Justin (11.7–6.8).
Sunday late windowJared Goff led this window with 34.9 for Kristian.
Sunday nightBijan Robinson led this window with 13.8 for Justin.
Turning point: Nico Collins's 8.1 points swung the running starter total toward Justin (11.7–6.8).
🤯 What the hell was that?
Jared Goff was the matchup nuke at 34.9, while RJ Harvey answered with a miserable 0.7. Fantasy football: where months of research can be kicked in the dick in one afternoon.
📚 Rivalry receipts
Coming in, the series stood 2–5 across 7 meetings. Kristian won the previous meeting. Week 5 just added another receipt to the folder.
💥 Damage report
JustinJacoby Brissett 30.8
Malik Nabers 27.6
Rhamondre Stevenson 16.0
KristianJared Goff 34.9
Matthew Golden 21.3
Will Reichard 16.9
🔥 THE SHIT TALK
Kristian is 0–1. It's only Week 1, which is comforting in the same way being told the iceberg only made a small hole was comforting on the Titanic.
MATCHUP 6
BDo puts Michael away
BDo 124.58FINAL114.90 Michael
🎬 The story
BDo finished Week 1 with a 124.58–114.90 win, a sweaty little bastard of a matchup. Joe Burrow dropped 34.6 as BDo's biggest weapon. Michael got 21.2 from Aaron Jones, but the rest of the roster couldn't finish the damn job. Joe Burrow's 34.6 points swung the running starter total toward BDo (71.4–39.3).
⏱️ How the shit unfolded
Thursday openerJake Ferguson's 3.4 points swung the running starter total toward BDo (3.4–0.0).
Thursday openerJavonte Williams's 13.2 points swung the running starter total toward Michael (3.4–13.2).
Sunday early windowParker Washington's 33.4 points swung the running starter total toward BDo (36.8–13.2).
Sunday early windowCam Little's 9.1 points swung the running starter total toward Michael (36.8–39.3).
Sunday early windowJoe Burrow's 34.6 points swung the running starter total toward BDo (71.4–39.3).
Sunday late windowSeattle Seahawks led this window with 12.0 for BDo.
Turning point: Joe Burrow's 34.6 points swung the running starter total toward BDo (71.4–39.3).
🤯 What the hell was that?
Joe Burrow was the matchup nuke at 34.6, while Harold Fannin answered with a miserable 0.9. Fantasy football: where months of research can be kicked in the dick in one afternoon.
📚 Rivalry receipts
Coming in, the series stood 8–12 across 20 meetings. Michael won the previous meeting. Week 5 just added another receipt to the folder.
💥 Damage report
BDoJoe Burrow 34.6
Parker Washington 33.4
Justin Jefferson 15.8
MichaelAaron Jones 21.2
Drake London 19.3
Houston Texans 17.5
🔥 THE SHIT TALK
Michael is 0–1. It's only Week 1, which is comforting in the same way being told the iceberg only made a small hole was comforting on the Titanic.